


At Last

by JustAnotherUnderstudy



Series: This Should Totally Be A Thing [40]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Angst, Boss/Employee Relationship, Break Up, Character Death Fix, F/M, Forgiveness, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M, Matchmaking, Older Woman/Younger Man, Parts are NSFW, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon Fix-It, Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Regret, Sad, Secret Marriage, Secret Relationship, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2019-11-19 13:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18136307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherUnderstudy/pseuds/JustAnotherUnderstudy
Summary: James takes a trip to Loch Lomond to bury memories, and nothing more.





	1. The End

**Author's Note:**

> Well, don't those tags up there look lovely? I am in just such a happy state. Uh, yeah, no. But, I wanted to write this sad thing, too. To go along with the other two sad things I'm writing. This way I can have three sad things to work on. I have no idea why my muse is so sad. He is. Send him chocolate before the Dementors take him down.
> 
> The goal for this story is to post a chapter each day of my break except maybe the one day I'll be touring museums all day.

 

_“At last, my love has come along_

_My lonely days are over, and life is like a song, oh, yeah.”_

James crooned along with Etta James, the esses a bit more slurred due to the consumption of far too much of some sort of alcohol, but he couldn’t recall which sort, or how much.

_“At last, the skies above are blue_

_My heart was wrapped up in clover, the night I looked at you.”_

The light in the room switched on suddenly and James blinked while he reached for his gun, which he was certain was nearby. His feet got wrapped up in the sheets as he twisted to get up and he tripped and fell to the floor with a loud thud.

“James, what are you doing?”

A familiar woman’s voice approached him along with the steady sound of the click of heals on the wood floor.

“I’m looking for my gun,” he said.

He looked up at Madeleine as she knelt down next to him.

“You s’prised me,” he said. “Thought you were a burgle, a burga, I thought you were a bad guy.”

Madeleine shook her head as she helped him sit up and untangle himself.

“Why are you here?” he asked.

“I told you I was going to come by and leave my key,” she reminded him.

“You said you’d come tonight,” he said. “I told you I’d be out tonight, and you could come by then. I don’t want to see you.”

Madeleine frowned.

“James, it is ‘tonight,’” she said, then she stood, walked to the window and pulled open the curtains.

It was black outside, the only light was the reflection of the room on the glass.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said as he attempted to stand.

“Where were you supposed to be?” she asked.

“Nowhere,” he said. “Just didn’t want to see you.”

Madeleine sighed.

“James, I tried to make this work, but you don’t want to do the same,” she said. “And I’m getting the feeling I might know why.”

She looked over at the record player where the song had ended and now “All I Could Do Was Cry” was now playing out.

“Who is she, James,” Madeleine asked.

It wasn’t accusatory, but James supposed she’d want to know.

“No one you knew,” he said.

“As if that’s supposed to be some comfort,” she snapped.

“I never cheated on you,” he said. “I was never with her. Not since.”

His voice trailed off.

“Not since I fucked everything up,” he said.

Then he chuckled, reminded of her words that last night of her life. But that thought made his stomach begin to churn and he rushed to the en suite where he dry-heaved up the last of the booze he’d drunk.

When he’d cleaned up and returned, Madeleine was still there. She’d straightened the bed, and that pissed him off. He didn’t want her mothering him. He’d never wanted that in a woman. So he walked over and intentionally rumpled up the sheets again, then stared at her defiantly.

“What was I to you, James?” she asked. “Was I just some sort of replacement?”

He looked at her carefully, trying to recall why he’d stayed with her after they’d captured Blofeld.

“No,” he shook his head. “You’re too tall to replace her.”

Madeleine rolled her eyes at him.

“Really, James,” she picked up her purse and fished inside for the keys.

“Here are the keys,” she said as she handed them to him.

“She was more beautiful too,” he told her.

Madeleine closed her eyes and James tried not to think of how she had killed her first man when she was only a small girl. He’d probably crossed that line here, but maybe that’s what he wanted.

“You know, you don’t have to be an arse about this,” she said.

“I’m not the one who took up with another bloke,” he retorted.

“I did not take up with anyone,” she said. “I knew Kyle and now we are seeing one another because you ended things.”

“Yeah, because you were flirting with Kyle,” he complained.

“You know what,” she said. “It really doesn’t matter anymore. I hope you find some peace over this woman, and don’t drink yourself to death.”

She turned to leave but stopped at the door.

“If this is how you treated her, I can definitely see why she ended things with you, James,” Madeleine said, leveling a cold glare at him. “I don’t even know why I tried as long as I did.”

Then she turned and James heard her walk through the flat and open and shut the front door.

James sat down on the bed and listened to Etta James sing out “Stormy Weather.”

_“Don’t know why, There’s no sun up in the sky_

_Stormy weather_

_Since my man and I ain’t together Keeps rainin’ all the time.”_

He wondered if Olivia felt like this after he’d left her. Is this the pain she’d gone through while _he’d_ sat on his personal throne of self-righteousness? That’s what she’d called it. At the time it seemed absurd and he’d called her a bitch for the accusation.

James felt his stomach flip again and he repeated his trip to the bathroom.

After, he turned over the album and lay down to listen to “Anything to Say You’re Mine.”

Things had ended right before their second anniversary, right before she’d sent him to Turkey to retrieve the hard-drive, right before everything went to hell.

Suddenly, he had an odd thought. Had she canceled the reservations they’d made at Loch Lomond? Or had she kept them and hoped he’d show up? Had she waited there for him to come and tell her what a fool he was?

If she had, he had kept her waiting. Then he’d kept her waiting after Turkey. Then he still wouldn’t relent upon his return, even though he knew the toll the deaths of her people took on her.

He’d been through this a hundred times in his head. He’d been in the wrong, he’d been the one that ruined everything they had.

Suddenly, he needed to get out. He needed to leave the flat, to leave London. It was nearly their anniversary again and he couldn’t stay here. He sat up and grabbed his phone. The number was easy enough to find and he rang up the inn right away.

He was disappointed to find that the room they had always stayed in was booked, but the woman at the inn told him there was one next to it that was nearly identical. James thanked her and hung up.

In two weeks, he thought, he would go up to Loch Lomond and wait for her. She wouldn’t show, he knew that. She couldn’t anymore. But he had to do that as some sort of acknowledgement of the pain he’d put her through. 

He lay back down in the messy bed and fell asleep as Etta James finished "My Dearest Darling" by singing out,

_“Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing in this world Can keep us apart_

_Oh, my dearest darling, I’m offering you my heart.”_


	2. Rose Petals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James' trip into his memories is interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all should like this a little better. And, it seems as if I've convinced the muse we should do more fluffy-romancy type things. We'll see how long he cooperates. :)

It was an all-day drive to Loch Lomond, filled with the memories of the fatal trip to Skyfall. Olivia had slept as they drove past the lake. At the time, he’d still been angry. But he could no longer say what he wanted from her. He only felt that he needed to hold onto that anger so the fear of what was about to happen, the fear of Silva besting him and getting to Olivia, would not take over.

He and Olivia used to travel separately when they went to the inn. She would fly direct into Glasgow and rent a car to drive herself. James would arrive a day early and from any alternative direction he could think so it wouldn’t look planned, on the off chance anyone found them. Of course, always going to the same place was a danger itself. They’d been there four times, twice before they were married, on their wedding night and on their first anniversary.

The Inn hadn’t changed at all, he thought, as he pulled off the road and into the parking lot. He grabbed his bag from the boot of his car and headed inside.

There was a young woman at the desk. She began to check him in, but an older man interrupted her and said he’d take over.

“Not sure if you recognize me,” he said with a heavy Scottish accent. “I remember you and your lovely wife.”

“Of course,” James said. “Gordon, right?”

He nodded in affirmation and James hoped he wouldn’t ask about Olivia. He didn’t want to talk about it. He was starting to question the wisdom of coming here when the man interrupted his thoughts.

“Well, I see they have you in the room next to the one you used to have,” he said. “However, that room is now open, if you’d like.”

James nodded, numbly, as his memories began to encroach again.

If Gordon was curious about Olivia, he didn’t say anything. But he probably recalled that James used to arrive earlier so he might assume that Olivia would be following.

Instead of further conversation, Gordon took up James’ bag personally and led him to the room. They walked along silently, which was a relief to James. When they arrived at the room, Gordon opened it, then took James’ bag to the closet and deposited it inside.

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” he said, then he left James.

The room was almost the same. The flowers were different, of course, and the linens were a different color. The furniture was the same, though, as was the appearance of rose petals on the bed.

James thought that was odd. He’d always ordered them, they hadn’t been a part of the room before. Maybe it was some new thing. James really didn’t want to consider it.

He walked to the balcony doors but didn’t open them. He only stared across the lake.

To the west of the Inn, the sun was low in the sky. It was not quite twilight, but the shadows were long. He might go out later, in the dark, when it would be more suitable to his mood.

Turning around, he stared at the bed again. Carefully, he walked over. He hesitated before he sat on the edge. He picked up a few of the rose petals in his hand and rubbed them between his fingers as he remembered.

This was the first place he and Olivia had made love.

There were too many interruptions and distractions in London, so he convinced her to spend two nights with him here. She deserved a holiday, and no one would be the wiser. Until Franz had said those words, “beloved M,” to describe her, James had thought no one knew.

James toed off his shoes and lay back on the bed to try to focus on the good moments between them.

He’d been in the room only 30 minutes when the sound of the key in the door surprised him. He sat up and cursed himself for leaving his gun in his case. He was standing up and calculating his chances of reaching the closet and getting to the gun if he needed it when the door opened, and James felt his jaw drop.

The woman in the doorway stared at him, equally slack-jawed.

“James, what are you doing here?” Olivia gasped.

It took him a moment to answer. He had to consider if she was even real or if he had fallen into some sort of deep sleep and was dreaming all this.

“What am I doing here?” he responded, just in case she was real. “You are not even supposed to be anywhere.”

The bed was between them and that obstacle gave him enough time to remember why he should resist running to her and taking her in his arms.

Olivia turned and shut the door behind her.

“Why did you come here, James?” she asked.

“Why did you make me believe you were dead?” he questioned her.

“James, I’m sure you can figure out the answer to that question,” she replied.

“Really, because I don’t think I can,” he said, angry with her evasion.

He was about to tell her how much her death had hurt him and how much he had suffered when he glanced down at the bed and recalled why he was here in the first place.

The fight drained from him instantly and he felt the weariness of the day begin to seep into his body. He didn’t want to sit on the bed again with her here, she might take it the wrong way. Instead he walked over to a small armchair in the corner and sat down.

“I came because it would have been our fourth anniversary,” he said. “I came here to remember you.”

“Whatever for?” she asked, obviously defensive.

James couldn’t blame her. The last of their interactions had not been good.

He ran his hands through his short hair in frustration. She was alive, she was here in front of him, and here they were having another argument.

“And more, what are you doing in the room I reserved and have been in since this morning?” she asked.

James looked up at her as he considered Gordon’s behavior upon seeing James.

“What did you tell him about us?” he asked.

James watched her physical response and knew she’d told Gordon the truth.

“I said that things had not worked out between us,” she said.

“He must have been trying to get us to work things out,” James said, as he stood.

He walked over to the closet to get his bag. Seeing Olivia’s things hanging there he understood why Gordon did this himself. He had to give the man credit for trying.

“I’ll go ask for the other room, then I’ll leave in the morning,” he said.

“Of course, you’ll leave,” she said. “You won’t even give me an answer, will you?”

He wanted to show her. He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her and carry her to the bed to show her how sorry he was, how much he missed her. But he’d lost his chance.

“James, you could remember me anywhere,” she said. “Why did you come here?”

She moved out of the way as he approached the door. He couldn’t even accidentally brush up against her.

He sighed and turned to her.

“I came here to remind myself of what we had, and how I threw it all away,” he said.

He gave her a weak smile, then reached for the knob.

“Don’t go, James,” she said.

He looked back at her, not sure what she wanted.

“Stay,” she said. “We could have dinner and talk.”

James was surprised, but he nodded because he’d agree to anything she asked right now.

She walked up to him and took his bag out of his hand. The warmth of her skin against his and the scent of her perfume finally convincing him that this was real.


	3. The View from Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon had seen a lot of unusual things at the Inn since he’d purchased it decades earlier, but this was one of the happier ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little fluffy chapter from the POV of the Inn's apparent matchmaker. ;)

When Gordon returned downstairs, his granddaughter, who had been helping Jim before Gordon had intervened, was giving him a confused look.

“Why did you put that man in another guest’s room?” she asked.

Gordon sighed. It was really against all propriety, but he couldn’t help himself. This was the third year Ellie had shown up without Jim. To have the man walk in, obviously unaware that his wife was already here and staying in the room they had always requested, seemed a very good sign that maybe he’d finally come around and missed her enough to want to work things out.

“Lacey, they used to come together,” Gordon explained. “They visited for several years, then something happened between them, and Ellie started coming by herself."

“How do you think this will help?” she asked. “She might not appreciate the intrusion.”

“We’ll know soon enough,” he said. “She’s out on a walk, if we hear shouting when she returns, well, I guess we’ll give the lad his room.”

Gordon returned to his office to complete the paperwork he’d been doing when he’d looked up and seen Jim standing at the counter. His thoughts were constantly drawn to the couple, though. He hoped Ellie wouldn’t be too upset with him.

Gordon thought back to two years ago when he’d been surprised by her appearance, alone. She’d usually been very happy when she’d arrived. That time, though, he didn’t ask when Jim would be joining her, Gordon could see in her eyes he wouldn’t.

He’d carried her bag to her room and felt the need to ask after Jim so he would know how to handle her stay. Had he died? Had he turned out not to be as in love with Ellie as he appeared? Had he left her?

_“Lass, what happened?” he asked as he opened the door to her room._

_“It didn’t work out,” she shrugged._

He only nodded, sensing by the pain in her eyes that it must have been recent. He’d let her be most of her stay, only making sure she had everything she needed.

The next year, when she’d shown up again, he was even more surprised. He’d thought she’d only come to grieve the year before. While her eyes didn’t hold the sadness of the previous year, there was still a sense of loss. Something had taken a physical toll on her as well. She walked carefully, with a cane, and had to take the service lift to her floor.

_“I’m sorry to be nosy, Lass,” he said when he’d helped her walk out to the shore later in the day. “But why keep returning?”_

_She gave him a small smile and Gordon could see a hint of the woman who used to visit._

_“It’s a good place to remember,” she said._

_He must have looked as dumbfounded as he felt because she chuckled at him and shook her head._

_“I do have good memories of it all, you know,” she told him. “I don’t want to forget everything.”_

Today, when Jim had shown up within hours of Ellie’s arrival, Gordon had hoped he was here for the same reason.

Gordon looked at his watch, it had been over 30 minutes. He was certain Ellie would be back from her walk by now. She looked far healthier than last year, and she no longer used the cane, but she was still much slower, and the weather was cooling as the sun went down.

He got up and peaked out at Lacey.

“Anything, Lass?” he asked.

She chuckled and shook her head.

“You think I’m daft, don’t you?” he said as walked over to her.

“No, granda,” she said. “I just never knew you were such a hopeless romantic.”

The desk phone rang, the light indicating it was from a guest room, and Lacey picked up.

Gordon looked at the time and headed toward the kitchen to see how dinner preparations were going. A few minutes later, Lacey came in.

“Your favorite couple wants a table for dinner,” she said.

Gordon couldn’t help the grin that bloomed on his face, even though it made his granddaughter laugh at him again.

She followed him out to the dining room as he considered where to seat them. They didn’t have a full house of guests so Gordon thought he might be able to keep them from being interrupted or overheard. He mumbled to himself as he walked around the room and considered a new arrangement of the table to facilitate his plan.

Lacey was laughing harder now, her hand covering her mouth in a false attempt to keep Gordon from noticing.

He just shook his head at her and began to move the tables around to see what he could accomplish.

“What are you doing?” Lacey asked. “Just sit them at the end table here.”

She walked to the other end of the dining room to the table for two next a set of double doors that led out to the balcony and afforded a clear view of the lake.

“We’ll just leave the two tables closest to this vacant,” she said. “It’s across the room from the kitchen so they’ll get fewer interruptions here, and you won’t have to rearrange the room.”

Gordon walked over to look at the room from that side and nodded.

“I see,” he said. “Good idea.”

Lacey laughed again as she left, and Gordon began to put back the tables in their original positions. He returned to the kitchen and talked to Angela, who would be seating the guests. As he began to explain what he wanted, Angela laughed and told him Lacey had already explained.

Gordon looked around the room self-consciously. But decided he couldn’t be bothered with what the others thought of his interest. As long as Ellie and Jim had this chance to talk, it was worth the embarrassment.

At dinner, Gordon tried to peak into the room surreptitiously several times. There hadn’t been any harsh words between the two that he’d heard. Ellie looked comfortable and Jim looked a cross of contrite and hopeful. Gordon couldn’t begin to guess what it meant, but the two returned to the room after dinner and Jim did not ask for the separate room.

Gordon smiled as Lacey laughed at him when they left that evening. He’d seen a lot of unusual things at the Inn since he’d purchased it decades earlier, but this was one of the happier ones. He only hoped that Ellie and Jim had worked things out.


	4. We Remember Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James knows he can't have what he really wants. It won't keep him from wishing, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of dinner conversation.

James sat in the corner chair as he waited for Olivia to shower and dress for dinner.

She was alive.

He hadn’t had time to think through the confusion of seeing her earlier. It only sank in now. Hearing her in the shower, smelling her perfume in the air of the room, those things made it real. She _really_ was alive.

He began to tap the heels of his shoes on the floor. He wanted to run out and tell someone. He wanted to shout it out from the balcony. He wanted to call Mallory and tell him bloody off.

In a moment, though, he just wanted to see her in the shower again, like he used to. He wanted to watch the rivulets of water as they rolled down her neck. He wanted to lick them off with his tongue.

James stood quickly, shaking off that image. It would do no good to be obviously aroused when she returned to the room. That’s not what this was about.

What was this about, he wondered? What would they talk about? She wouldn’t be able to tell him the details of her survival, they were going to be in a semi-public place.

As soon as he thought of that, James realized it didn’t matter. Even if she said nothing, if he said nothing, and they just quietly ate together, it would be more than he’d ever hoped for.

And, just like that, he was back to the beginning of his thoughts. The thrill of her being alive, the desire for her coursing through his body as he listened to her get out of the shower.

She walked out in her robe and James began to eye her before his mind took over and reminded him that his lust for her had no place now.

“I’m sure a shower would do you good, James,” she said absently as she walked to the closet.

She didn’t need to tell him twice. He had to put something besides the fluffy, white robe between them. But the bath smelled like her now. She was still using the same scents that he still associated with only her. He recalled how he’d lied to Madeleine and told her he hadn’t liked the scent of a soap she’d bought. It had reminded him of Olivia.

In the shower, he quietly and quickly gave himself over to lust, hoping a quick wank would bring his hormones under control. It just felt so good to be where she had been, to smell her scent in the heat of the room, and to know that when he walked out, he wouldn’t discover it was a dream.

He felt much better as he stepped from the shower.

“James, I’m going to wait on the balcony so you can dress,” she said through the door.

The brief good feeling was gone as he was reminded of how bad things were between them. There would be no making up, no chance to prove himself to her as he’d tried so desperately to do at Skyfall. In two days, she would be gone, and he really would never see her again.

He dressed, then opened the doors to the balcony to let her know he was ready. This time when he saw her, he didn’t stop his perusal of her.

She was wearing a black pantsuit, with a black blouse that revealed enough cleavage to make him want to see more. The jacket was embellished with embroidered sliver branches and leaves. Most importantly, it was the suit she’d worn to dinner the first time he’d brought her here.

He finally looked at her face and saw that she was unperturbed by his extended look at her. She didn’t seem to find it inappropriate that she was wearing the same clothes she’d worn the first time he’d undressed her either.

“I didn’t know you were coming, James,” she was all she said before she brushed past him and walked toward the door to the hall.

James stood still as he tried to pull himself together. He didn’t want to cause a scene when they went downstairs, but that had been only the second physical contact he’d had with her since finding out she was alive, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get through dinner now.

He finally followed her out of the room and down to the stairs. Instinctively, he took her arm to help her when it was obvious she was taking them slowly. She received his help with no complaint.

“Does it still hurt?” he asked.

“It’s just not as easy to move about as it was before,” she replied.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Olivia was flushed, and her breathing was irregular.

“Are you going to be alright?” he asked. “Don’t they have a service lift we can use?”

“I’m fine, James,” she said breathlessly.

He wasn’t sure if he should take her at her word, but she averted her gaze and led them to the dining room.

They were seated at a table for two by the doors leading to the balcony. It was dusk now, but James was no longer concerned with the view outside the window. He only had eyes for the woman across the table.

The Inn had two choices for dinner which the patrons chose when they called in for reservations. Olivia had ordered both plates, one for him and one for her, as they’d always done before. This surprised James, but he didn’t assume they’d be sharing meals as they had back then.

The waiter brought soup first and James finally asked Olivia the question he was most curious about.

“Why are you here? And,” he took a breath, hoping to get through the question without his emotions becoming overtly involved. “Did you come after…after I left?”

“Yes, James,” she replied. “I did come that year, and last year as well.”

He embarrassed himself by gaping at her. She didn’t look upset about it, she didn’t appear to be either angry or sad. Instead, she looked as she always had, perhaps a little less happy, but not as miserable as he felt.

“Why would you do that?” he asked.

It didn’t make sense to keep coming here when it could only remind her of what they had and all the pain he had put her through.

“Why do you think, James?” she replied. “I came for the same reason you did.”

“You came to remember?” he asked, still not sure he understood why she would do this to herself.

She nodded.

“Of course,” she said.

They were silent for a while as they each finished their soup. The waiter came and took the bowls and refilled their wine.

“But why would you put yourself through this?” he asked. “Why would you want to remember it at all?”

He couldn’t imagine she’d want to think about them together. It caused him pain to think about it, and it had been his fault it had ended.

“James, I come here to remember because I love you,” she said.

The way she looked at him gave him the impression she was explaining something to a young man who should know a bit of information by now, but it hasn’t quite stuck in his head yet.

He was trying to see what it was she wanted him to know when the words she said truly registered with him.

“I love you,” she had said. Not “I *loved* you.” She still loved him.

“How can you?” he asked, his throat tightening around the words.

She smiled softly at him and James thought he might cry. She was so beautiful, and she was so alive, and she was looking at him as she so often had, back before he had ruined everything.

“James, I have always loved you,” she told him. “Longer than I probably even should have. I wasn’t going to stop just because it ended.”

Then she did something that nearly made him stop breathing. She reached across the table and took his hand in hers.

“The memories I have of us, here, together, are beautiful memories,” she said. “Why wouldn’t I want to think of them?”

She smiled at him again and squeezed his hand before releasing it as the waiter approached with their dinner plates.


	5. The Feel of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little dinner, a little conversation, a little revelation, and a few bites of cranachan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not quite as good as I'd have liked it to be. But maybe it's because I've worked on it too long? Or maybe not long enough? Anyway, I hope it conveys the emotions I was trying for.

James ate his dinner simply to give himself something to do while he thought about what Olivia said. He still didn’t understand how she could continue to love him. _He_ hated himself for the way he abandoned her. His whole intent for returning here was to make himself feel worse as some form of pennance. The things he’d wanted to remember were the horrible things he’d done to her. 

The waiter interrupted his thoughts to pour some more wine and James glanced over to find Olivia studying him. He felt himself grow warm with embarrassment, though he didn’t quite know why.

She set her fork down and reached for her wine and James noticed her hand trembled slightly as she lifted the glass.

“I should have insisted you take the lift,” he said. “The stairs must have been too much. When we go back upstairs, we’ll use it.”

She took a sip and set the glass back down then closed here eyes and took a slow breath. James berated himself. He should have suspected this with her having been shot. It had been over a year, but still. He’d noticed earlier that she was moving slower, but he’d ignored it.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “Why don’t we ask if we could take the food upstairs and you could rest then finish dinner.”

She gave him an inscrutable look before she smiled at him.

“Do you know how nice it was to have someone actually give a damn about my well-being?” she asked.

James’ mind raced to figure out who she could be talking about. Did she have someone else now? Is that what she was trying to tell him? The thought of her with someone else hurt like hell, but the fact that it was he who had pushed her toward it made it feel as if his heart was being cut out of his chest.

She chuckled and shook her head.

“How is it you think I’m talking about someone besides you?” she asked.

He stared at her, again feeling as if there was something he should be aware of but wasn’t.

“Thirty years with Marshall,” she said. “Thirty years of being with a man who didn’t care if I came home, didn’t care what condition I was in, just so long as we lived well and had the so-called finer things, he couldn’t be bothered.”

James shook his head. She couldn’t mean what she was saying.

“No,” he said. “I never did enough for you. I never gave enough.”

Her look was one she gave rarely, and then only in private, and James didn’t feel worthy of that loving look in her eyes at all.

“I was selfish,” he said.

“You certainly have a funny way of behaving selfishly,” she said.

She smiled and had a far away look in her eye.

“I remember when you came back from South America once and I had a terrible cold,” she said. “Tanner had to debrief you and then you were in my room. You fussed over me like a mother hen. I was still married then. You and I weren’t even lovers, or _anything_ to each other.”

James recalled it easily. He’d been so angry to find that her arse of a husband had the nerve to go play golf when Olivia was so ill. She’d had a fever and her coughs had made him so nervous he’d threatened to take her into medical if she didn’t stay in bed and let him take care of her.

“It was then that I realized why you’d run after Mitchell,” she said. “It was then I realized why you’d hunted Quantum to their last man.”

James found himself nodding. He had been so in love with her even then. But he had been terrified of her as well. She was his boss and he was afraid she’d never believe any profession of love he gave her. She’d had to make the first move, several months after Marshall’s death.  

Still, he couldn’t accept it, couldn’t begin to understand why she still loved him.

“I never deserved you,” he said shaking his head.

They returned to their meals and ate silently. James continued to feel worse than he had before he arrived. Olivia could say what she wanted, but James knew the truth. If he’d been half the man he’d thought he was, if he had truly loved her the way she deserved, he would not have allowed one decision at work to be the reason he ended everything.

The waiter took their plates when they finished and then brought the cranachan Olivia had ordered. There was only one, so it seemed that Olivia intended for them to share it as they used to, even though they hadn’t shared their meals. James picked at it from his side.

Finally, Olivia spoke.

“James,” she sighed. “I’m not sure if the truth will help you or not but watching you mentally beat yourself up is not pleasant for me.”

He looked up at her, then sighed and leaned back in his seat. He just couldn’t help it. Nothing was making sense. From her being alive, to her still loving him, everything was the opposite of the way he expected the weekend to go.

“I knew what would happen, James,” she said. “I knew that one day I would make a decision at work that you could not live with and you’d walk away.”

That was certainly not what he’d expected to hear and he looked up at her sharply. In her eyes he saw that surety and strength that had always drawn him to her.

“If you will recall,” she continued. “I told you at one time early in your career that I did not have your luxury of being able to see everything in black and white terms*.”

“If you knew, then why did you get involved with me?” he asked. “Why put yourself through the pain when you knew how it would end?”

“My dear, James, you haven’t been listening at all,” she said with a patient look. “I love you.”

As far as explanations went, James found that one wanting. His look apparently said that and she continued.

“You know I was married before Marshall,” she said.

He nodded. She’d been married to an agent who had later become a double-0 and had been killed in action.

“I haven’t told you much about John,” she said. “It’s not painful to speak of, I think of him often, but I was always afraid you’d think I was comparing the two of you.”

She got that far away look in her eyes again, so James took a bite of the cranachan and waited for her to continue.

“When I began to realize you were in love with me, I was reminded of him,” she said. “The way you looked at me, the way you treated me.”

She laughed quietly.

“I felt like the goddamned Queen,” she said.

When she looked at him again, he could see the truth of her words and he noticed it was the same look she’d given him so many times when they were together. He hadn’t thought about the feelings behind it until now.

“It was so nice to be loved and wanted again,” she told him softly.

James wanted to take her hand in his. He wanted to kiss her palm and tell her it had been his privilege to love her and have her. That _she_ was the one had made it all worthwhile. But the thought of how he’d hurt her held him back.

Instead, she reached out for his hand.

“Don’t you see?” she asked. “I knew I would lose you, one way or the other, so, as with John, I enjoyed each moment with you the best I could. All of these memories are good to me.”

The cranachan sat between them, the cream and raspberries now melted together, as James finally understood. The sensation was overwhelming as James finally comprehended the depth of her love for him.

“I also knew that one day, you would understand,” she said. “I am just sorry that I wasn’t there when it happened. I hate to see how hurt you’ve been.”

Heat pooled in his gut, though he knew it would go unquenched.

“I do understand why you made those decisions now,” he said. “I was stupid not to see it before, and once I did, I never thought I’d ever get to tell you how sorry I was.”

James took a deep breath before he could continue. He didn’t want to embarrass the both of them by breaking down here in front of people. He’d never felt so weak, yet, at the same time, he really couldn’t have cared less who knew.

“I am so horribly sorry,” he said. “For everything.”

He was about to launch into the long list of the grievances she must have against him when she stopped him.

“James,” she said. “Not now, I know you are sorry, but please don’t open up those old wounds. There’s no time for that now.”

He studied her for a moment and found her sincere in her desire. He could see that she truly had already forgiven him.

“How can you be sure?” he asked. “How can you still have this much faith in me?”

She smiled at him and looked down at their still joined hands.

“You’re here,” she said.

She looked back up at his face.

“You’re here, and you didn’t have to be here at all.”


	6. One Moment in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best things in life are not things, they are moments.~~Rare generic quote that actually mostly makes sense. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so, this might be a little bit NSFW.

James was relieved when Olivia didn’t fight him over taking the lift. The day must have been getting the best of her because she was shaking as they rode the car to the third floor. He put one hand on her elbow to make sure she was steady to walk to the room.

She took several deep breaths before the doors opened, then James led her down the hall.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly.

He’d overtaxed her, he knew. What a fool he was. He should have been paying better attention. He should have insisted on coming back to the room when he’d noticed he hands trembling at dinner.

She nodded but didn’t look up at him. Her eyes were focused at the end of the hall in an attempt to force herself forward, he assumed.

He’d get her in the room, maybe help her get her shoes off, and put her into bed. He could talk with the owners about having her served breakfast in her room in the morning, then she could rest as late and as much as she needed.

For a moment, he wondered where he’d sleep, but he pushed that thought aside. First, he needed to get her into bed, make sure she had everything she needed, then he could worry about himself.

When they arrived at the room, he took out his key to open the door. He glanced down at Olivia to see how she was doing and found her face and chest were flushed.

“God, you must have a fever,” he said.

He put his hand up to her face as if he could tell from that that she had a temperature. She closed her eyes at his touch.

“Does that hurt?” he asked, pulling his hand away from her skin.

He was trying to think of where the nearest hospital was and if it would be faster to call an ambulance or to take her himself as he pushed open the door and guided her inside.

He pushed the door shut and turned to her. When he found her right behind him and leaning into him, he took her into his arms.

“James, I’m not sick,” she said. “I’m not tired. Nothing has put a strain on me the way you are thinking.”

She lifted her head from his chest to look up at him. The desire in her eyes was like fire and it took all of a second to consume him. He felt that he might actually burst into flames as he stood before her and waited to see what she wanted.

“Please,” she finally breathed out, her voice heavy with the same need he felt.

He immediately lowered his lips to hers and pulled her into a passionate embrace. She tugged at his shirt, pulling it out from his pants as she pulled him backwards toward the bed. James offered no resistance, only let his hands loose to roam her body.

Olivia was making quick work of his buttons when they bumped into the bed. James pulled away briefly to catch his breath and to watch her nimble fingers. His mind overloaded with memories of exactly what those fingers were capable of.

He put his hands on her hips to lift her onto the bed, but stopped.

She looked up at him, a question on her face, her eyes hazed over with lust.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Oh, god, yes, James,” she panted. “I need you now.”

That was all he wanted to hear. He picked her up and set her on the bed. She moved to her knees on the edge to push his shirt off his shoulders. He watched her as she watched the garment slide down his arms and fall to the floor.

The onslaught of memories threatened to consume him, and he had to fight to stay in the present. But she was here, and she was alive, and it was so much more than he had ever hoped for. Even if they had only these few days, they would be everything to him.

He placed his hands on her hips as she peppered his chest with kisses. Slowly, he moved them up her sides, pausing to linger at her breasts, thrilled when she bit at his nipples in response to his actions. Then he moved his hands to her shoulders and slowly slid off the jacket.

It had been nearly five years since he had brought her here and they had made love for the first time. He’d felt it an honor then to be able to touch her and pleasure her. He felt it even more deeply tonight. He felt everything more deeply now, all of the feelings he’d had for her had become so much more after he’d finally understood her.

Her touch on his face brought him back to the present.

“Are you sure you want this, James?” Olivia asked.

Her look told him it was fine if he said no, that she would understand that he would not want to subject himself to the emotions of this connection with the knowledge that it would only be temporary. James did want it, he wanted to be with her. This was a gift he never thought he’d have. He realized now why she came here every year. He wanted this to remember her by, and he wanted her to have the same.

“I’ve never wanted anything more,” he said and pressed his lips against hers again.

James removed her blouse then leaned her back on the bed. He slowly trailed kisses down her body as he continued to undress her. He was desperate for her, but he wanted to make the most of every moment.

He slowly took off her bra, then caressed her and reveled in the feel of her body’s reaction to his touches and kisses. He sucked at each nipple until they were hard, and her body shook beneath him. His hand slipped into her pants, knowing it would not take long to make her come undone. She whimpered as he pushed his finger inside her and continued to suck and nip at her breasts. As he thought, it took mere seconds for her to breathe out his name in a harsh whisper.

He smiled to himself as he watched her pant and slowly return to her senses. Then he slid off her pants and stood to remove his own. He was not going to last long himself now.

“Do you have lube?” he asked.

She nodded and pointed at the closet.

“In my overnight,” she said.

He’d figured she must have it, or she wouldn’t have suggested this. He understood why she had it as well. He spent far too much time thinking of her by himself and that often led in only one direction.

He grabbed the tube then returned to join her on the bed. They kissed slowly and deeply. He let Olivia explore his body with her hands. When she reached his hard cock, he groaned and kissed her harder.

She took the lube from him and pushed him away so she could reach between them to coat him. It felt so good to have her stroke him this way again.

When she finished, he tried to pull her on top of him. He’d always preferred to start that way, at the least. She was so beautiful when she was lost in her pleasure and he loved to watch her.

“James, I don’t think I can do that anymore,” she said quietly.

He’d been so lost in the pleasure of touching her again that he’d completely forgotten about her having been shot at Skyfall.

“God, I’m so sorry,” he started but she interrupted him.

“No, James, it’s fine,” she assured him. “It’s good to know I can still make you forget everything.”

James stared at her for a moment. He couldn’t speak. Her words reminded him that it was always that good with her.

“I believe the exact quote is that you make me forget the bad things,” he said as he pulled her lips to his again, then leaned her back onto the bed.

He placed his hand on her hip and felt the scar there. She placed his hand over hers as he pulled away for breath.

“Are you going to be able to do this?” he asked.

In answer, she smirked up at him then spread her legs and pulled up her knees.

“Christ,” he choked.

She chuckled at him.

“Always the show off,” he teased.

“If I recall correctly, it’s you who was always showing off,” she said. “It’s high time we see if _you_ still have it.”

“Oh, that’s how it is now?” he smiled as he moved over her.

He pushed in slowly, gauging by her reaction how fast he should go.

“Oh, god, James, you feel so good.”

He kissed her gently on the lips as he finished entering her.

When he looked at her again, he saw that same look she often had for him when they made love. It had always made him feel so deeply connected to her. She had been the only one to ever truly know him and try to understand him.

Now, though, he felt that connection even more deeply. As he began to thrust into her, he buried his face in her neck to hide the sudden onslaught of emotions. He lost himself in her as they found their rhythm.

It wasn’t like before. He knew that and he sensed she knew it as well. Too much had happened between them and, contrary to what James had expected, it seemed to have drawn them closer. As he neared his release, he found himself on the verge of more than just ordinary sexual climax. He had no words for it, though. He had never felt anything like this before.

He felt Olivia begin to flutter around him and then he felt her tighten her legs around him as she sped up to reach her orgasm. He bit his lip to keep from keening too loudly and having the whole Inn hear them. He could hear Olivia had muffled her own cry as well. When he came, he felt it through is whole body and mind. He had always imagined this must be what it felt like when lightening struck you but this time, it was so much more.

It wasn’t until he caught his breath that he realized he’d been crying the whole time. It was rather embarrassing, and he wasn’t sure how he could hide it from her. Then he heard her sniffle and he finally lifted himself off her only to discover that she had been crying too.

He rolled over and took her into his arms as they both tried to steady themselves. He’d always thought that people were exaggerating when they claimed they could connect so deeply with their partner. He would certainly never think that again.

They adjusted the covers so they could crawl under. Neither spoke, which was just fine for James. He didn’t want to break this moment. If he could, this was where he would stay forever. Lost in the bliss of being with this woman in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And all of your questions...remain unanswered.


	7. Until the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But there's a beginning in an end, you know? It's true that you can't reclaim what you had, but you can lock it up behind you. Start fresh.”  
> ― Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was leafing through my open stories today and was inspired to close this one out. I had planned on more, but it really would just have been more of the same of the last chapter. I know, y'all wouldn't have minded, ;) but I wanted something a little moody but a little hopeful. :)

The moral of this story is that no matter how much we try,  
no matter how much we want it …   
some stories just don’t have a happy ending.

~~Jodi Picoult, Leaving Time

 

James stood on the shore of Loch Lomond, staring at the calm waters with unseeing eyes. He sighed quietly, lost in his memories. The only thing grounding him to reality was the small, gold wedding band he squeezed tightly against his left palm.

* * *

“Here, before I go,” Olivia said, reaching into her pocket.

They were standing next to her car in the small car park in front of the inn. James was trying to be as strong as he thought Olivia expected him to be. After two days with her, however, James was even more reluctant to let her go.

She produced two simple gold bands. James looked longingly at them, once the reminder of what he’d claimed he felt for her.

Olivia took the larger of the two and slipped it onto his left ring finger. James then did the same for her with the smaller ring.

“I can’t believe you kept them,” he said. “And that you had them with you.”

“I always carried them with me,” she smiled up at him.

Then she reached up and put her hand around the back of his neck to pull him down into a passionate kiss. When they parted, he held her tightly in his arms.

“Promise me you’ll have some way to get word to me,” James’ voice trailed off.

He didn’t want to think about the world without her again. It had hurt too much the first time. He recalled Kincaid and Tanner pulling him away as the paramedics approached and began to, futilely, he’d thought at the time, attempt to revive her.

“I will,” she said. “You won’t be left to wonder.”

She pulled away from him and this time procured her car keys from her pocket.

“And you will do as you promised,” she gave him a pointed look which caused him to smile.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, feigning seriousness.

“Oh, don’t you ‘ma’am’ me,” she retorted. “You just call M and tell him you want to go back.”

James didn’t argue. He'd already given her his reason for not wanting to do it, but she told him she hadn’t put all those years into his training only to have him walk away over a broken heart. He didn’t agree, but he wouldn’t go against her wishes. If it made her feel better, he would return to work at Six in whatever capacity they’d have him.

She opened the car door and James was forced to step back. He found it strange that, though she was very much alive, knowing she was leaving him brought as much pain as when he’d thought she’d died.

Before she got into the car, she turned back to him.

“And, please, James,” she pleaded. “Do take care of yourself. I don’t want you going on a binge or doing some other horrible thing.”

He didn’t trust his voice anymore, so he only nodded. He tried to smile at her once she was in the car with the door shut but knew he failed. She glanced at him and gave him a sad look before starting the engine and pulling out of the space.

James stood and watched the spot in the road where her car had been engulfed by the trees until a cold gust of wind blew in off the lake, rousing him to move and find warmth.

* * *

That had been ten years ago. He still hated himself for the wasted time when they could have been together if only he hadn’t left her when she needed him. Olivia had given up trying to get him to forgive himself by the morning of the second day of that last weekend together. They simply did not speak of it again.

But he had kept his promises to her this time. He’d called M as soon as he returned to London. He was given a training position at first, then began to supervise active agents, now he was second only to M at Six. He did his work well. He played the part. And he hated every day he went in because, as he’d told her when she’d suggested it, she wasn’t there so it meant nothing to him anymore.

He had taken good care of himself, including a few attempts at relationships before giving up and opting for something of a friends with benefits arrangement with Tanner. That was really the only satisfying part of his life at the moment. Not for the first time James wondered if the relationship might be going somewhere.

Tanner had been the one to bring him the news. He hadn’t known Bill was aware, but wasn’t very surprised. James was grateful Olivia had chosen him to convey the message and bring him her ring. He wondered if Bill had ever told her about them. James could imagine Olivia might be happy about it.

When he’d submitted his vacation request, Bill told him he wouldn’t even offer to join him because he knew James wouldn’t want the intrusion. That thought still made James smile a month later. Maybe he’d take Bill to Paris for his birthday as he’d once mentioned he’d like.

Finally, James slid the small ring onto his pinky finger, though he could only push it to the second knuckle, and returned to the inn. Gordon had passed away several years ago and his granddaughter now ran the inn. She’d told him that Gordon had always hoped that one day James would show up with “Ellie” instead of alone.

Instead, for nearly a decade, James returned alone, to think and remember. He did secretly hope that Olivia would as well, that they could just have this one weekend together each year. She didn’t, but he really shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Mr. Barr,” Gordon’s granddaughter, Lacey called from the desk as James headed toward the stairs.

He turned and she held out a small package for him.

“This was delivered while you were out for you walk,” she said.

James smiled and thanked her as he took it, then he headed upstairs to his room to get ready for dinner.

His brow furrowed when he saw Bill’s address on the return label on the box, but when he got the package opened he understood. Inside a black velvet box was a gold Cartier chain. James pulled it out, a smile growing on his face. He slipped Olivia’s ring onto the chain then clasped it around his neck. Stepping over to the mirror above the dresser, he saw that the chain was long enough that he could keep it hidden under his shirt.

Yes, he thought as he headed into the shower. Paris for Bill’s birthday was definitely in order.


End file.
